consistant

I am consistant in this
I'm more put together
Realizing an overwelming amount
of what importance is
what really matters

my therapy-
crying in your arms
and allowing myself
to be loved
to trust a boy
one finally that
i can trust

a boy-
who will be a dad
not just a father
my daughter will look forward
to seeing him, not dread it
he will walk her down the isle
and truly be giving her away
because he gave her so much
of himself

my sadness-
no longer self pitty
but a grieving
for innosence lost
a money driven war
suddenly a nation of terror,
of fear,
out to kill, not to heal
I'm aware
but sad
feeling small and helpless
if only this nation would
look past their own comfort

my happiness-
dreams of my hope
coming true
holding you
holding your hand
holding your heart
and knowing it will last
that we can overcome
all that tears at us
because it will not tear us apart

I am consistant in this.
I'm more put together now.


Copyright [November 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

YOUR COMFORT

distant support
needing them near
tears streaming
producing sobs
and your comfort
is making me realize
my selfishness
they may ponder
my absence
but my mother
is not here
to see me try on my dress
my friends completely distant
feeling non existant
im not mad
but i am sad
and he told me
i could cry.

Copyright [October 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

older

so this is it
this is the outcome of my dream
as a child
as a dreamer
here i am
job i hate
fiance i love
friends talking but obviously not to me

i feel so drained and dead here
i want to go home
be held
sleep away all that brings me down
all that aches my head

need a break
a vacation from everything
from everyone
except him
my warmth in the cold
my love
now for life

frightened as i question if i am ready
im not all put together-
all over the place
all the time

this is being older
here i am
as i am
and there he is embracing me

Copyright [October 20,2006] By Tiffany Conner

engaged

i can feel the judgement on me
one of my happiest times
reduced to a devestating feeling
of the test of friendships
nobody will understand
how perfect he is for me
few support this step
we are taking
i want to embrace it
celebrate something
i have dreamed of since i was a girl
blank stares
fake smiles
i'm brought low
after floating in such a high place

will he want me
when he sees everything ugly
in me

Copyright [October 2, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

loved disaster

he is asking me to explain myself.
takes me hours to figure myself out.
damaged for sure.
almost destroyed.
how can he love such a disaster?
im swollen
soar
unsure of what my future holds.
i'm in the midst of so many burdens
so much baggage.
yet he has discovered me.
he sees me for who i am
atleast i hope
because i am not even sure who that is anymore.
i'm a mess
but somehow held together.
knowing this love came in perfect timing.
and i see the miracle
and question how i have become a loved disaster.
i have escaped the nightmare.
and all i ask is to be held in the arms of a boy
who can be trusted
who can take delight in my happiness.
and who can accept all i can't control.

Copyright [September 12, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

Misery of being unknown

Brought back to the
misery of my childhood
the feeling of being small
inadequate
set up to fail
feeling low, unknown and alone
the depression settles in
and I wear it so well
feeling far from love
wondering if i will ever
feel it again
dyer need of a companion
and I don't understand
this time of waiting
dragging on
so behind in my life
of any dream
this can't be my state
for any longer
I can't survive it anymore.

Copyright [July 13, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

STILL LIVING

The anxiousness
has finally died down
I'm floating in the water
sun shining on me
and I am begging for the strength not to sink

A time where i have to tell myself
to be positive
and resist the jerk
of a long awaited cry

The test of time
has shown me who cares enough
to hold onto a friendship
as the few i cling to
truly know my weakness
and my pain

I'm still breathing
still smiling
still living
my longing
will one day be fulfilled

And the more i cling to the ONE
who can calm my heart
ease my thoughts
the more i will learn to trust

to trust
and look beyond the wounds
let the damage
strengthen me
my scars
proof of all the hurt
reminding me
there is better for me.


Copyright [May 27, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

lessons learned

-there will always be something to be sad about and something to smile about.

-that committing to a relationship doesn't mean you will never be lonely.

-sometimes the best way to say goodbye is to not say it at all.

-the biggest sacrifice i make will not be a sacrifice unless i trust the one i am sacrificing to.

-i will never find everything i long for.

-that wisdom is something more when shown through an act of humility.

-there are many diseases, but it is what you do against that disease that will heal you.

-my experiences have brought me to the place i am now.

-i have learned i am at my best when i know i am loved.

Copyright [August 18, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

living a girl's nightmare

outburst of tears
pain in her head
leading her to this empty
white room
and hospital bed

needle in her arm
no feeling in her legs
she realizes her despair
as she colapses to the floor
and nobody is there to care

the pills numb her well
yet she falls
deep in thoughts
keeping her up at night
she wakes up as a zombie
providing the heart ache
to remain

the nightmare of being hospitalized
in the pain of
everything
in the pain of being
young and alone

they are polite
but they don't know her enough
to offer any comfort
and all she can do is
dwell in this hellish state
mysteriously unknown


Copyright [August 3, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

this skin

i am feeling older
in this skin
older than this
house i grew up in
please tell me i will
get beyond this place
that i will become
something so much more
this skin is full of doubt
hidden hurt
regretful hatred
damaged skin
bones shattered inside
trying to put myself back together
so much ahead of me
impossible to know who i am
enough to know
what the hell i am to do
with my life
i just know i want more
burried in roots
wanting wings
needing to fly

Copyright [June 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

Cherry Tree

Not hiding
just shaded
under the

Cherry Tree
that has seen
me grow
to what I am
from the day I was born

Slowly letting
the sun
shine down on me
as it becomes later
in the day

My shelter in
the pain

The beauty
I see outside
of my window

Beautifully grown
to be bigger than me
strong enough
to protect me

Yet allowing me to be free


Copyright [May 24, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

unattached butterfly

It's time to fly
open the closed wings
let go of this secret breakdown-

no more opening or giving so easily
just to feel it ripped out of me-

I'd rather fly above it all
and focus on the beauty surrounding me-

having freedom of expanding and seeking
what is healthy enough for me to look up or fly above-

as the chaos remains below
untouched as I am unattached-

reaching a destination of something somewhere
held in peace of a new life
unattached butterfly

Copyright [April 15, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

fatherless daughter

another one gone
showing all a man can lack
the void eating at me
a desperate hole for a father's love alone

deceived, betrayed, misinformed
and left to deal with so much
that was not worth it
not meant to last

time to seek more
to hold onto a love
deeper and real
lasting longer
than this pain

a Father to the fatherless
more than able to take me further
to sustain me
and father a weak, numb
fatherless daughter

Copyright [May 16, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

foolish state

knowlege never will come from age
my experiences have
taught me my foolish state
i will always look down on
being petty and fake
and my death could have been
that unbearable guilt
of knowing i put myself
in this place
that is only one reason of many
of why i needed to escape
please ease my mind
and put me in place

Copyright [April 22, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

reserved

I am well hidden and reserved
judged and misunderstood
manipulated, deceived target
used as an escape
put in a position
simply to be hated
sleep is underated
pointless and annoyingly awake
I'm tired and sad
but I must do
what I must do
I have an inch of integrity
to hold onto

Copyright [October 19, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

Me in Your hands

You formed my heart
please mend it
In need of Your patience and peace
Id rather be soaking You in
than indulging in the world

I want my life to be for You
not half heartidly
but all of me in Your hands

Im not good at detaching myself
Too stuborn to give up my ways
Incredibly weak
Desperatly in need of
Your embrace.

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner

Built on YOU

Finding it hard to concentrate
disappointing distraction
a hopeless heart exists
I remain, trying to maintain
my life built on You
somewhat surrendered
I struggle in looking back each day
why must I face this?
what is there to learn?
thought i knew
but i am being forced to relearn
Unhealthy longing
a desire
that consumes my every thought
I am allowing this to come between us
to deteriorate my time
Find it so hard to hear from You
only due to my stubborn
and foolish mind
Needing to be brought back to
YOUR FOUNDATION
strong and Christ-like
loving You
and enduring to the point of suffering
For You
not due to my many mistakes

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner

RESURRECTED

The promise of new life
undying, unending love
Irreplaceable, unchangeable God
yet I struggle and let my
shame tear me down
Your beauty is intoxicating
and Your grace impossible to understand
This is the reason I live
press on, endure
Im lifting my eyes up to
Your snow covered mountains
Your deep gray sky
How am I living for You?
I feel I am in constant failure
I cannot comprehend such power
to raise from the dead
but I know it is truth
for You are truth


Copyright By: Tiffany Conner

Rain

beautiful tears on my windshield
bluring my vision
changing the focus of my eyes
bringing green to the world
matching the sorrow
but melting the droubt
meloncoly and quiet mood today
but its ok
because of the rain
only distant because i slipped
but im being put out to dry
and im due for a good cry
don't laugh when its not funny
and im hurting
due to weeks of hiding from
so many i have come to love
over the years
if Your hands could just
grab my heart
and hold it right at Your beat
thats the only way i could
stop being this fool
but i long for more
i remain distant and ungaurded
weak in Your wisdom
looking to my interest
so im just going to sleep
pretending not to run
i remain where You have me
I need You to hold me in Your peace

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner