Relatable Me

Happy Birthday My Love

2011-08-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

My happiest moments

are when I am

out on the town

with you

And by town

I mean down town

This house is fine for now

and we are happier than most

even at our worst

Nothing else should matter

not going to get caught up

in what everyone else thinks

I am done trying to please

Happy Birthday my love ♥

it's your day

nobody else s

30 is here

and we will be alright.

SAFE

2011-05-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

Safe in the arms
of the man
who would never leave me
by choice

Happy knowing he loves me
I feel cherished
comforted
by him

4 years ago we locked lips
after taking vows

3 years ago we moved
and had a beautiful
and challenging adventure

1 year ago
we bought our first home
and dog

I am safe here
no matter how many
past disasters creep up on me

I will hold onto
my safety
my love

Because no other
man has loved me
the way he has
a devotion that only
a true man can give

-May 2011

"Marriage has in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it has more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful."
-Bishop Jeremy Taylor

The Storm

2011-04-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Pouring on us
Repeatedly
We are soaked
Maybe instead of drowning
Frantically
We need to wait
For the storm
To pass
For the skies to lift

If you hold me
I will hold you
Tired of feeling overwhelmed
Maybe it is ok
To be helpless
To know we cannot
Control everything

We need to stand by each other
To gain strength
We can be each other’s shelter
While the storm passes
While the skies lift
Together we can make it through
Repeatedly

sentimental

2010-01-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

ever find definitions poetic? i do…
sen⋅ti⋅men⋅tal–adjective 1. expressive of or appealing to sentiment, esp. the tender emotions and feelings, as love, pity, or nostalgia

a bit more sentimental
than i want to be
writing every 5 minutes
can't keep holding it in
am i bad sister
or wife
if i show tears
or my fear
why am i so damn anxious when i am here
am i where i am supposed to be
but denying it
then i think to myself
i miss investing my time
where my heart is
that place is home to me
as much as i hate that fact
they are my friends
even if i have changed?
time will tell
swallowing the emotion
it is a lot to digest
pretending i am held together
if i am
it is not my hands holding me in place
i am a mess inside
hoping i will be accepted
as i am now
there is such a comfort
being far from it all
from my father
who does not know how to be a father
maybe it is the music
it can be intoxicating
maybe it is the boredom
of the job
but i know i cannot worry anymore
i am a bit more sentimental
than i want to be

nostalgic- a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

zombie writing on post-its

2010-01-21T15:18:00.000-08:00

i can barely keep my eyes open
so ready to be at home
resting with my love
there has to be more to life
that this corporate greed
i feel i lose my dignity
a little everyday
as i wait on the crowded elevator
to go up and waste my day

i count my blessings
glad i have a job
but should i not long for more
to fulfill my time?
i would feel so much better
if i could help the ones
struggling to get by

so many left in the dust
of the ridiculous corporate bailouts
while the people
are foreclosed on, laid off, homeless
left with nothing
with no helping hand

i am in this cubicle
for the majority of my time
working for a wage
to barely get by
making the rich richer
and I am literally sick to my stomach

http://www.naturalnews.com/021911_America_corruption_corporations.html

Help Haiti

2010-01-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

i cannot even imagine what those people have been through! such a sad and devestating disaster. my prayers are with those that have lost loved ones and those suffering through the rumble and the heart ache. when things like this happen, it really puts things into perspective. you never know when something like this will hit us.

"This is a time for all of us to be reminded of our common humanity and do all that we can to help."
Help Haiti, Drop the Debt:
http://one.org/international/actnow/haiti/?rc=haititw
you can also donate to the red cross: https://www.networkforgood.org/donation/MakeDonation.aspx?ORGID2=530196605

1000 miles away

2010-01-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

excited?
depends on the day
i am going up and down
every few hours
this overwhelming feeling takes over
yielding me
from doing anything else
but drifting
don't know where my thoughts
have gone to this time
but i know they are not here
and while i try to find my mind
i am reminded against my will
of those that have caused me pain
how easy they are to ignore
when i am 1000 miles away
excited?
might not be the right word
need my comfort
i need his touch
to hold me in place
to remind me there is
good in this world

a new way

2010-01-07T11:06:00.000-08:00

tired of feeling sad
tired of being hungry
but not having an appetite
tired of writing my feelings
instead of crying out my sadness
i would rather live happy
than write a book
just to express the disappointment
i am reminded of daily
i would rather be healthy
than see the pounds shed off accidentally
i would rather see the bright side
than tolerate the darkness
i think i miss the sun
among everything else
could you somehow prove you love me
in a new way
and make me smile forever

write something

2009-12-27T18:07:00.000-08:00

feeling it all inside
screaming to come out
yet wanting to keep it all in
so i write something

i am silent in my thoughts
my deep thoughts
taking it all in
lacking an expression
so i write something

i don't stand out
but i can still enjoy
the beauty
it is indescribable
yet i have this urge
to write something...

here i am

2009-12-21T10:45:00.000-08:00

here i am
far away enough to hide
i have no shelter of old friends
just my loving husband
all we survive with
all we can't stand

i am different than i used to be
they may judge
and say i have fallen
that because of him
i am no longer their sister of faith
simply because i am aware
of brutal realities
i ignored back then

here i am
trying to comprehend
why they view issues
with such simplicity
and stand against everything
they never will be able to control
there is so much more
to it all
these are petty politics

so frustrated
waring with myself
knowing nobody can change
the religious
politically insane
train of thought
anyone who feels different
automatically degraded
to an outcast

here i am
seeking more education
trying to see
through the eyes of love

i don't understand
how the corporations
are the answer for anything-
yet are controlling everything

i don't understand
how an unending war is going on
people are suffering and dying
while our economy dies with them

i don't understand how
abortion and homosexuality
can be their focus of attack
meanwhile the country is falling apart
people losing homes
families are devastated
living in poverty
why is their so much focus
on the unborn
and none on the quality of life
for the living
why can't we provide
health care to those that need it

we are called to love one another
that there is grace and love
in God for all
but in no way is it offered in the way
we vote
or the way we lash out and condemn
those who may need
something more from our government

we are spending all this money
on pointless wars-
killing thousands for oil
but god forbid they use
any of your tax money
to help the environment
or to provide health care
to the sick jobless Americans.

i am here
realizing this
realizing that things are not so cut and dry
they are not all black and white
that those i used to look up to
i can't anymore
because i am in a new place
and...not just physically

my sad demeanor

2009-12-18T18:16:00.000-08:00

trying to evaluate how i feel
or the reason for the melancholy mood

can't decide on what i want
while knowing what we need

i am so confused
do we really need to leave
after only 2 years

are we just giving up
or giving in to the inevitable

i am captivated
by this beautiful city
almost to the point of tears

still so much
i want to see and do
but the annoyance of being broke
and barely being able to afford necessities
shadows over me

my sad demeanor
my only defense
as i realize
but try to ignore
that location is not everything

going back home
forced to face
that place again

where i was torn down
but where He restored me
and gave me my love

we can get through this
i just need to find the peace
in moving
yet again

12/14/09

music

2009-12-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

falling in love with
the amazing sounds
put to poetry
strikes an emotion
maybe even produces a tear
my love for music
always there
but the joy in it
is returning
bonding me
to anyone
that can appreciate it
like I do
it gives hope, beauty, love
friendships
it is amazing
and I will always
need it
to keep my sanity
in this selfish
dissolving world

12/2/09

http://popup.lala.com/popup/4035506749898521333

“music’s the medicine of the mind” – john a. logan

LOST

2009-04-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

Trying to decide

On a home

To move on in my life

To conquer my dreams

This place is lovely

To the eye

Harsh to the worker

Trying to do everything

We can do

To have dignity

To prosper

But I cannot do that

In a position I hate

No time to enjoy

The decision we made

To live in such a beautiful

And enjoyable state

I am so disappointed

And sad

We moved here

To live here

For 2 years

Then go back?

I am amazed how hard I have tried

To fight

I feel defeated

Torn

And lost

4/14/09

With Him

2009-04-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is overwhelmed

With love

For him

As I realize

What an amazing

Person he is

My all

In love

With the sweetest

Boy alive

I could see myself

Facing any obstacle

With him

Holding my hand

Helping me through

Loving me

In the incredible

Way he does

So well

He is the love

Of my life

I will cherish him

As a gift from God

I cannot wait to live out

My future

With him

tested

2009-04-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

a sting
of something missing
longing for a home
tired of feeling
so alone

just us-
we are tested
and alone
but we will be ok
what does not kill us
makes us stronger

sometimes i wonder
if life would be easier
if we just stayed

where we were
CONTENT
there will be always be things
to miss

whether it be
trees, bridges, the beach
OR
family, friends, childhood memories

eye sugery

2009-04-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

a bit of a shock
to begin with
but here we are fighting the fight
to have the health needed
to go on
top priority
to take care of each other

let him recover well please
carry him though it
relieve the stress
the pressure

thank you for the bridge
the beautiful city
the headlights in the fog.

my best friend

2009-03-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

to feel your hands
gently caress mine

to look into your soft eyes
your smooth lips
against mine

2 1/2 years you have
been by my side
between the smiles & laughs
and the anger & tears
we remain close & strong

you are and forever will be
MY BEST FRIEND

to: ben
love, tiffany

barely existing

2009-03-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

letting life pass me by
i am not living
i am barely existing
disconnected from any enjoyment
this place-
the state i am in is draining me
everything frozen-
no sun in sight

3/17/09

my all

2009-02-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

i cannot be everything i would like to be
i have lost the energy
to be sympathetic or loving
taking it all out
on the one i love the most

burnt out from being at a
place i hate too much

how can i be my all
in a state of misery
for 50 hours a week

i am exhausted
i have no outlet
no time to be alone
in my thoughts

no time to ponder
this pathetic career

i moved to an amazing place
to be at a job i hate
all the time

~2/16/09

just be

2009-02-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

what needs to happen in life
to realize what you really need to know

why does something tragic need to happen
to become a person who can love
who can give selflessly

i need to blossom under pressure
to be who i am meant to be

uptight, bottled up
everything kept inside
all the time

how do i let go?
...relax...bloom??

i need peace and quiet
alone time to sit
and listen to my own breath....

to just be.

~1/14/09

cold december day

2009-02-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

the skies are blue
grass still green
a december without snow
just the rain
but today is clear
a typical december day

i am in my sweater
and scarf
pondering life
as i exist in the day to day routine
feeling as though i am working my life away.

am i were i need to be?
i feel like i should be further
to achieving my dreams
of having a family
my maternal instincts
have kicked in

i have a dream of being a mother
of loving my baby
unconditionally
until the day i die

i feel so far from
my dream
waiting for my blessing of life
waiting for the right time...
the time to be ready.

so much to achieve
so much to save
to feel prepared
to provide.

but for now
i am getting through the day.

~december 4, 2008

FALL

2008-11-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

the leaves have fallen
the trees amazing and beautiful
from golden yellow
to fire red
there is this comforting sadness
as we welcome winter
but for now i am enjoying the fall
-10/31/08

democracy

2008-09-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

"the form of government in which the supreme power is held completely by the people under a free electoral system."

i am so disappointed and i marvel
at how quick we are to follow
i am not interested in their family lives
but how they are going to better mine
i am not concerned about their outcome in the race
but the outcome of this nation
that is drowning
we so desperately need changes
but we need the actions
not just the words
i grieve when i think of the economy
and how we would rather have the next
biggest thing than that which would help others
i grieve for the civilians being killed
being tortured and torn from their families
for our own selfish gain
i grieve for the suffering
being served hospital bills
on their death bed
i cannot fathom how the richest country
can be so cruel and selfish
i am trying to figure out how i can
help or change anything
i just find myself
feeling helpless and misunderstood
there is so much going on everyday
that we turn our heads from
i ache for a peaceful place
but i guess i just need
to wait until this life is over.

needing more

2008-08-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

i am within myself empty
running low on energy
on motivation
on love
i need to know everything is going
to be alright
i am unmotivated
in a depressing sort of way
i love him so much
but i lack the decency
to show him constantly
i am not as accomplished
as i would like to be
concerned about our future
about what is meant to be
and how to get there
wondering when life
will just come together
and be easy
challenged the last few days
i realized how much i hate
seeing him in pain.

myself

2008-06-20T19:25:00.001-07:00

another sad day
working my 8 hours,
waiting for the time to go by
as it drags
and i along with it
am dragging
this job is wearing on me
and i am losing hope
i need to let the screams go
and try to comfort
overcome the frustration
and show compassion
but i lack

this move
is still challenging me
i am not liking myself
most of the time
waiting for everything to get fixed
for me
i need to be more proactive
and positive
i need to drag myself out of this depression
i need to just be myself
even around those i do not know
very well or at all
i just need to be
myself
and cling to things that matter.

STRANGER

2008-05-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Unfamiliar
I feel like a stranger
to my family
This beautiful city
is a stranger to me
narrow streets
old buildings
so many trees
A year ago
i married such a sweet man
He sacrificed so much
to be here
and we have
so much further to go
He might be the only one
who really knows me

~KEVIN~

2008-02-22T10:50:00.000-08:00

The wind is blowing
so hard
nobody can get anywhere
the snow sticks
and ice covers the city

His body is shutting down
and my heart aches
The cancer attacks
and there is nothing we can do
nothing any of us can do
only ache
and grieve
While his body is shutting down

I FEEL SO HELPLESS AND WONDER WHY
One of the nicest guys I know GONE.
I was blessed to be related to him
as well as my grandfather

I prayed last night
harder than I have in a long time
Its amazing how the words just flowed
from my mind
from my desperate heart

For strength for my family
For my uncle to know who God truly is
to enter into His love
and grasp His presence

But what I don't understand
is why He would take such a sweet and caring man
from the world
We need more like him
That can ask how you are doing
from a hospital bed

He was strong in his weakness
and I think he knew
it was time.

Written 2/14/08-Tiffany Conner

"The world is full of suffering~
it is also full of overcoming it."
-Helen Keller

ignoring the pain

2008-02-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

a family hoping
and praying for one more breath
too hard to say good bye
too hard to see the sick
and you choke on the tears
then comes the sob
longing for comfort
from anyone anywhere
praying in times of desperation
down to our last hope
he is getting
sicker
and sicker
and the pain throbs
an awful feeling
we just need to know
what to expect
and how to cope
i try to ignore the illness
and i have been succeeding lately
but i need to see him
and let him know i care.

flood of tears

2008-01-11T22:01:00.000-08:00

i have been ignoring that phone call
through the majority of the night
but the thought of a death bed
is haunting me
~and its all i can think about
i am shocked that i can pretend
that everything is fine
just focus on everything but the fact that he may die
i have not heard my mom sob for years
my heart breaks
as it falls to the floor of helplessness
~all i feel is helpless and sad
scared for him and his children, his family
he is soft spoken and strong
and we all seem to be barely holding on
to any form of hope
any other options that may help fight
everything that is taking over him
~i just pray and ask why
try to hold back the cry
but i am not strong right now
and i feel sick to my stomach
from everything that aches and breaks us
another night in a hospital bed for him
~he can only fight so hard
and it seems he has reached his max
the very thing that has made him so sick
is what was supposed to help and cure him
its not working
i am shaky and tired
~please hold us through this
i am trying to look up through this
but i am overwhelmed and human

a good quote...

2008-01-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

I forgot how to slow down
to breathe in and out
and relax through the breaths
worried
stressed
over welmed
concerned
Melt me in your arms
and hold my heart steady
I am in the depth of madness and frustration
everyone here looks out for them selves
and doesn't seem to mind
in stomping over everyone else to do it
I heard a good quote today
i only hope it is true

"The world is full of suffering
it is also full of overcoming it."
~Helen Keller

and the cancer is back

2007-12-30T08:55:00.000-08:00

a repeated nightmare as i look back on all we went through
all his weakness is tearing at us
the helpless feeling that just makes you want to cry
he ignored it christmas day just to find it this morning
my uncle is faced with leukemia again
all our hearts dragging and our tears unstoppable
i wish there was more i can do but i feel so exhausted
i search for a cure
or an explanation for anything that can comfort any of our hearts.
i cried hugging my grandma
all i can do is think of 2 years ago
and how hard it was to see him like that
a stronger chemo to kill the pain
for him to melt every emotion into
i can't stand seeing him this way
he is too young and has so much to live for
it just eats us up and the hoplesness reigns heavy
i will be praying and crying
i just want him to know how loved he is

this Christmas

2007-12-26T17:37:00.000-08:00

the snow is falling
and so where my tears last night
as i melted in the arms of my husband
after wrapping their gifts
Christmas is not Christmas to me this year
there is very little excitement
i have not seen them for 7 months
and i still have 3 more to go
i miss my family
and the Christmas music
just gets on my nerves
so i will keep trying to look up
and enjoy the the beautiful snow
and the Christmas lights
but i have realized in the past
that it is seeing them
that brings the Christmas joy to me.

the move

2007-11-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

held onto a dream for years
but it always felt so far
from my reach

now here i am approaching
the uprooting of my life and his
to leave everything
and start fresh

the savings is accumulating
and it truly seems
like a miracle

i am moving in 3 months
to a beautiful city
the same state that my mom lives
i will be there during the holidays
during the times that i need to see them

i am excited
the nervousness is pushing me
to prepare and pack
leaving some things behind
and venture out for a new start

new jobs
new apartment
new life
better life

he is sacrificing a lot
so willingly and lovingly
and we will be ok
we just need to be there.

2007-06-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

a chapter in my life is being written
i am a married woman
married to the sweetest man i have ever known
one i know that will cherish and take care of me
and yet we are attacked and judged
by the eyes of, what i am assuming can only be jealousy
it's amazing how some one can over look his amazing ways
and his incredible insights
and go right to tearing his heart
and in the process, mine is torn too
because he is so much a part of me
he is an amazing soul
and his heart is so deep and heavy
with concerns that most of us only ignore daily
so why do others judge the exterior,
there is so much to him that they over look
due to their own pettiness and lack of a human effort.
the honeymoon is over
but we never will be
and as you speak of him, you are speaking of me.

eyes of the poor

2007-05-04T15:38:00.000-07:00

It seems there is always a reason to feel sad
An unquestionable streak of blue
And yet I am being held by you
Do you mind
If I just sit and cry
Maybe I will fall asleep in my tears
And dream
Of a happier world
A harmonized state
A loving place
To dwell
And take you with me
We can hold hands
In the fresh breeze
And not see the eyes of the poor
Because everyone is living
Healthy and alive
But instead I wake up to the sting of
My own tears
And this world of tragedy, greed and despair.

consistant

2006-11-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

I am consistant in this
I'm more put together
Realizing an overwelming amount
of what importance is
what really matters

my therapy-
crying in your arms
and allowing myself
to be loved
to trust a boy
one finally that
i can trust

a boy-
who will be a dad
not just a father
my daughter will look forward
to seeing him, not dread it
he will walk her down the isle
and truly be giving her away
because he gave her so much
of himself

my sadness-
no longer self pitty
but a grieving
for innosence lost
a money driven war
suddenly a nation of terror,
of fear,
out to kill, not to heal
I'm aware
but sad
feeling small and helpless
if only this nation would
look past their own comfort

my happiness-
dreams of my hope
coming true
holding you
holding your hand
holding your heart
and knowing it will last
that we can overcome
all that tears at us
because it will not tear us apart

I am consistant in this.
I'm more put together now.

Copyright [November 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

YOUR COMFORT

2006-11-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

distant support
needing them near
tears streaming
producing sobs
and your comfort
is making me realize
my selfishness
they may ponder
my absence
but my mother
is not here
to see me try on my dress
my friends completely distant
feeling non existant
im not mad
but i am sad
and he told me
i could cry.

Copyright [October 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

older

2006-11-30T08:31:00.000-08:00

so this is it
this is the outcome of my dream
as a child
as a dreamer
here i am
job i hate
fiance i love
friends talking but obviously not to me

i feel so drained and dead here
i want to go home
be held
sleep away all that brings me down
all that aches my head

need a break
a vacation from everything
from everyone
except him
my warmth in the cold
my love
now for life

frightened as i question if i am ready
im not all put together-
all over the place
all the time

this is being older
here i am
as i am
and there he is embracing me

Copyright [October 20,2006] By Tiffany Conner

engaged

2006-10-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

i can feel the judgement on me
one of my happiest times
reduced to a devestating feeling
of the test of friendships
nobody will understand
how perfect he is for me
few support this step
we are taking
i want to embrace it
celebrate something
i have dreamed of since i was a girl
blank stares
fake smiles
i'm brought low
after floating in such a high place

will he want me
when he sees everything ugly
in me

Copyright [October 2, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

loved disaster

2006-10-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

he is asking me to explain myself.
takes me hours to figure myself out.
damaged for sure.
almost destroyed.
how can he love such a disaster?
im swollen
soar
unsure of what my future holds.
i'm in the midst of so many burdens
so much baggage.
yet he has discovered me.
he sees me for who i am
atleast i hope
because i am not even sure who that is anymore.
i'm a mess
but somehow held together.
knowing this love came in perfect timing.
and i see the miracle
and question how i have become a loved disaster.
i have escaped the nightmare.
and all i ask is to be held in the arms of a boy
who can be trusted
who can take delight in my happiness.
and who can accept all i can't control.

Misery of being unknown

2006-09-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Brought back to the
misery of my childhood
the feeling of being small
inadequate
set up to fail
feeling low, unknown and alone
the depression settles in
and I wear it so well
feeling far from love
wondering if i will ever
feel it again
dyer need of a companion
and I don't understand
this time of waiting
dragging on
so behind in my life
of any dream
this can't be my state
for any longer
I can't survive it anymore.

STILL LIVING

2006-09-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

The anxiousness
has finally died down
I'm floating in the water
sun shining on me
and I am begging for the strength not to sink

A time where i have to tell myself
to be positive
and resist the jerk
of a long awaited cry

The test of time
has shown me who cares enough
to hold onto a friendship
as the few i cling to
truly know my weakness
and my pain

I'm still breathing
still smiling
still living
my longing
will one day be fulfilled

And the more i cling to the ONE
who can calm my heart
ease my thoughts
the more i will learn to trust

to trust
and look beyond the wounds
let the damage
strengthen me
my scars
proof of all the hurt
reminding me
there is better for me.

Copyright [May 27, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

lessons learned

2006-08-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

-there will always be something to be sad about and something to smile about.

-that committing to a relationship doesn't mean you will never be lonely.

-sometimes the best way to say goodbye is to not say it at all.

-the biggest sacrifice i make will not be a sacrifice unless i trust the one i am sacrificing to.

-i will never find everything i long for.

-that wisdom is something more when shown through an act of humility.

-there are many diseases, but it is what you do against that disease that will heal you.

-my experiences have brought me to the place i am now.

-i have learned i am at my best when i know i am loved.

living a girl's nightmare

2006-08-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

outburst of tears
pain in her head
leading her to this empty
white room
and hospital bed

needle in her arm
no feeling in her legs
she realizes her despair
as she colapses to the floor
and nobody is there to care

the pills numb her well
yet she falls
deep in thoughts
keeping her up at night
she wakes up as a zombie
providing the heart ache
to remain

the nightmare of being hospitalized
in the pain of
everything
in the pain of being
young and alone

they are polite
but they don't know her enough
to offer any comfort
and all she can do is
dwell in this hellish state
mysteriously unknown

Copyright [August 3, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

this skin

2006-06-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

i am feeling older
in this skin
older than this
house i grew up in
please tell me i will
get beyond this place
that i will become
something so much more
this skin is full of doubt
hidden hurt
regretful hatred
damaged skin
bones shattered inside
trying to put myself back together
so much ahead of me
impossible to know who i am
enough to know
what the hell i am to do
with my life
i just know i want more
burried in roots
wanting wings
needing to fly

Cherry Tree

2006-05-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Not hiding
just shaded
under the

Cherry Tree
that has seen
me grow
to what I am
from the day I was born

Slowly letting
the sun
shine down on me
as it becomes later
in the day

My shelter in
the pain

The beauty
I see outside
of my window

Beautifully grown
to be bigger than me
strong enough
to protect me

Yet allowing me to be free

Copyright [May 24, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

unattached butterfly

2006-05-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

It's time to fly
open the closed wings
let go of this secret breakdown-

no more opening or giving so easily
just to feel it ripped out of me-

I'd rather fly above it all
and focus on the beauty surrounding me-

having freedom of expanding and seeking
what is healthy enough for me to look up or fly above-

as the chaos remains below
untouched as I am unattached-

reaching a destination of something somewhere
held in peace of a new life
unattached butterfly

fatherless daughter

2006-05-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

another one gone
showing all a man can lack
the void eating at me
a desperate hole for a father's love alone

deceived, betrayed, misinformed
and left to deal with so much
that was not worth it
not meant to last

time to seek more
to hold onto a love
deeper and real
lasting longer
than this pain

a Father to the fatherless
more than able to take me further
to sustain me
and father a weak, numb
fatherless daughter

foolish state

2006-05-22T14:44:00.001-07:00

knowlege never will come from age
my experiences have
taught me my foolish state
i will always look down on
being petty and fake
and my death could have been
that unbearable guilt
of knowing i put myself
in this place
that is only one reason of many
of why i needed to escape
please ease my mind
and put me in place

reserved

2006-05-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am well hidden and reserved
judged and misunderstood
manipulated, deceived target
used as an escape
put in a position
simply to be hated
sleep is underated
pointless and annoyingly awake
I'm tired and sad
but I must do
what I must do
I have an inch of integrity
to hold onto

Me in Your hands

2006-05-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

You formed my heart
please mend it
In need of Your patience and peace
Id rather be soaking You in
than indulging in the world

I want my life to be for You
not half heartidly
but all of me in Your hands

Im not good at detaching myself
Too stuborn to give up my ways
Incredibly weak
Desperatly in need of
Your embrace.

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner

Built on YOU

2006-05-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

Finding it hard to concentrate
disappointing distraction
a hopeless heart exists
I remain, trying to maintain
my life built on You
somewhat surrendered
I struggle in looking back each day
why must I face this?
what is there to learn?
thought i knew
but i am being forced to relearn
Unhealthy longing
a desire
that consumes my every thought
I am allowing this to come between us
to deteriorate my time
Find it so hard to hear from You
only due to my stubborn
and foolish mind
Needing to be brought back to
YOUR FOUNDATION
strong and Christ-like
loving You
and enduring to the point of suffering
For You
not due to my many mistakes

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner

RESURRECTED

2006-05-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

The promise of new life
undying, unending love
Irreplaceable, unchangeable God
yet I struggle and let my
shame tear me down
Your beauty is intoxicating
and Your grace impossible to understand
This is the reason I live
press on, endure
Im lifting my eyes up to
Your snow covered mountains
Your deep gray sky
How am I living for You?
I feel I am in constant failure
I cannot comprehend such power
to raise from the dead
but I know it is truth
for You are truth

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner

Rain

2006-05-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

beautiful tears on my windshield
bluring my vision
changing the focus of my eyes
bringing green to the world
matching the sorrow
but melting the droubt
meloncoly and quiet mood today
but its ok
because of the rain
only distant because i slipped
but im being put out to dry
and im due for a good cry
don't laugh when its not funny
and im hurting
due to weeks of hiding from
so many i have come to love
over the years
if Your hands could just
grab my heart
and hold it right at Your beat
thats the only way i could
stop being this fool
but i long for more
i remain distant and ungaurded
weak in Your wisdom
looking to my interest
so im just going to sleep
pretending not to run
i remain where You have me
I need You to hold me in Your peace

Copyright By: Tiffany Conner