my all

i cannot be everything i would like to be
i have lost the energy
to be sympathetic or loving
taking it all out
on the one i love the most

burnt out from being at a
place i hate too much

how can i be my all
in a state of misery
for 50 hours a week

i am exhausted
i have no outlet
no time to be alone
in my thoughts

no time to ponder
this pathetic career

i moved to an amazing place
to be at a job i hate
all the time


~2/16/09

just be

what needs to happen in life
to realize what you really need to know

why does something tragic need to happen
to become a person who can love
who can give selflessly

i need to blossom under pressure
to be who i am meant to be

uptight, bottled up
everything kept inside
all the time

how do i let go?
...relax...bloom??

i need peace and quiet
alone time to sit
and listen to my own breath....

to just be.

~1/14/09

cold december day

the skies are blue
grass still green
a december without snow
just the rain
but today is clear
a typical december day

i am in my sweater
and scarf
pondering life
as i exist in the day to day routine
feeling as though i am working my life away.

am i were i need to be?
i feel like i should be further
to achieving my dreams
of having a family
my maternal instincts
have kicked in

i have a dream of being a mother
of loving my baby
unconditionally
until the day i die

i feel so far from
my dream
waiting for my blessing of life
waiting for the right time...
the time to be ready.

so much to achieve
so much to save
to feel prepared
to provide.

but for now
i am getting through the day.


~december 4, 2008

FALL

the leaves have fallen
the trees amazing and beautiful
from golden yellow
to fire red
there is this comforting sadness
as we welcome winter
but for now i am enjoying the fall
-10/31/08

democracy

"the form of government in which the supreme power is held completely by the people under a free electoral system."

i am so disappointed and i marvel
at how quick we are to follow
i am not interested in their family lives
but how they are going to better mine
i am not concerned about their outcome in the race
but the outcome of this nation
that is drowning
we so desperately need changes
but we need the actions
not just the words
i grieve when i think of the economy
and how we would rather have the next
biggest thing than that which would help others
i grieve for the civilians being killed
being tortured and torn from their families
for our own selfish gain
i grieve for the suffering
being served hospital bills
on their death bed
i cannot fathom how the richest country
can be so cruel and selfish
i am trying to figure out how i can
help or change anything
i just find myself
feeling helpless and misunderstood
there is so much going on everyday
that we turn our heads from
i ache for a peaceful place
but i guess i just need
to wait until this life is over.

needing more

i am within myself empty
running low on energy
on motivation
on love
i need to know everything is going
to be alright
i am unmotivated
in a depressing sort of way
i love him so much
but i lack the decency
to show him constantly
i am not as accomplished
as i would like to be
concerned about our future
about what is meant to be
and how to get there
wondering when life
will just come together
and be easy
challenged the last few days
i realized how much i hate
seeing him in pain.

myself

another sad day
working my 8 hours,
waiting for the time to go by
as it drags
and i along with it
am dragging
this job is wearing on me
and i am losing hope
i need to let the screams go
and try to comfort
overcome the frustration
and show compassion
but i lack

this move
is still challenging me
i am not liking myself
most of the time
waiting for everything to get fixed
for me
i need to be more proactive
and positive
i need to drag myself out of this depression
i need to just be myself
even around those i do not know
very well or at all
i just need to be
myself
and cling to things that matter.

*STRANGER*

Unfamiliar
I feel like a stranger
to my family
This beautiful city
is a stranger to me
narrow streets
old buildings
so many trees
A year ago
i married such a sweet man
He sacrificed so much
to be here
and we have
so much further to go
He might be the only one
who really knows me

~KEVIN~

The wind is blowing
so hard
nobody can get anywhere
the snow sticks
and ice covers the city

His body is shutting down
and my heart aches
The cancer attacks
and there is nothing we can do
nothing any of us can do
only ache
and grieve
While his body is shutting down

I FEEL SO HELPLESS AND WONDER WHY
One of the nicest guys I know GONE.
I was blessed to be related to him
as well as my grandfather

I prayed last night
harder than I have in a long time
Its amazing how the words just flowed
from my mind
from my desperate heart

For strength for my family
For my uncle to know who God truly is
to enter into His love
and grasp His presence

But what I don't understand
is why He would take such a sweet and caring man
from the world
We need more like him
That can ask how you are doing
from a hospital bed

He was strong in his weakness
and I think he knew
it was time.

Written 2/14/08-Tiffany Conner

"The world is full of suffering~
it is also full of overcoming it."
-Helen Keller

ignoring the pain

a family hoping
and praying for one more breath
too hard to say good bye
too hard to see the sick
and you choke on the tears
then comes the sob
longing for comfort
from anyone anywhere
praying in times of desperation
down to our last hope
he is getting
sicker
and sicker
and the pain throbs
an awful feeling
we just need to know
what to expect
and how to cope
i try to ignore the illness
and i have been succeeding lately
but i need to see him
and let him know i care.

flood of tears

i have been ignoring that phone call
through the majority of the night
but the thought of a death bed
is haunting me
~and its all i can think about
i am shocked that i can pretend
that everything is fine
just focus on everything but the fact that he may die
i have not heard my mom sob for years
my heart breaks
as it falls to the floor of helplessness
~all i feel is helpless and sad
scared for him and his children, his family
he is soft spoken and strong
and we all seem to be barely holding on
to any form of hope
any other options that may help fight
everything that is taking over him
~i just pray and ask why
try to hold back the cry
but i am not strong right now
and i feel sick to my stomach
from everything that aches and breaks us
another night in a hospital bed for him
~he can only fight so hard
and it seems he has reached his max
the very thing that has made him so sick
is what was supposed to help and cure him
its not working
i am shaky and tired
~please hold us through this
i am trying to look up through this
but i am overwhelmed and human

a good quote...

I forgot how to slow down
to breathe in and out
and relax through the breaths
worried
stressed
over welmed
concerned
Melt me in your arms
and hold my heart steady
I am in the depth of madness and frustration
everyone here looks out for them selves
and doesn't seem to mind
in stomping over everyone else to do it
I heard a good quote today
i only hope it is true

"The world is full of suffering
it is also full of overcoming it."
~Helen Keller

and the cancer is back

a repeated nightmare as i look back on all we went through
all his weakness is tearing at us
the helpless feeling that just makes you want to cry
he ignored it christmas day just to find it this morning
my uncle is faced with leukemia again
all our hearts dragging and our tears unstoppable
i wish there was more i can do but i feel so exhausted
i search for a cure
or an explanation for anything that can comfort any of our hearts.
i cried hugging my grandma
all i can do is think of 2 years ago
and how hard it was to see him like that
a stronger chemo to kill the pain
for him to melt every emotion into
i can't stand seeing him this way
he is too young and has so much to live for
it just eats us up and the hoplesness reigns heavy
i will be praying and crying
i just want him to know how loved he is

this Christmas

the snow is falling
and so where my tears last night
as i melted in the arms of my husband
after wrapping their gifts
Christmas is not Christmas to me this year
there is very little excitement
i have not seen them for 7 months
and i still have 3 more to go
i miss my family
and the Christmas music
just gets on my nerves
so i will keep trying to look up
and enjoy the the beautiful snow
and the Christmas lights
but i have realized in the past
that it is seeing them
that brings the Christmas joy to me.

the move

held onto a dream for years
but it always felt so far
from my reach

now here i am approaching
the uprooting of my life and his
to leave everything
and start fresh

the savings is accumulating
and it truly seems
like a miracle

i am moving in 3 months
to a beautiful city
the same state that my mom lives
i will be there during the holidays
during the times that i need to see them

i am excited
the nervousness is pushing me
to prepare and pack
leaving some things behind
and venture out for a new start

new jobs
new apartment
new life
better life

he is sacrificing a lot
so willingly and lovingly
and we will be ok
we just need to be there.

a chapter in my life is being written
i am a married woman
married to the sweetest man i have ever known
one i know that will cherish and take care of me
and yet we are attacked and judged
by the eyes of, what i am assuming can only be jealousy
it's amazing how some one can over look his amazing ways
and his incredible insights
and go right to tearing his heart
and in the process, mine is torn too
because he is so much a part of me
he is an amazing soul
and his heart is so deep and heavy
with concerns that most of us only ignore daily
so why do others judge the exterior,
there is so much to him that they over look
due to their own pettiness and lack of a human effort.
the honeymoon is over
but we never will be
and as you speak of him, you are speaking of me.

eyes of the poor

It seems there is always a reason to feel sad
An unquestionable streak of blue
And yet I am being held by you
Do you mind
If I just sit and cry
Maybe I will fall asleep in my tears
And dream
Of a happier world
A harmonized state
A loving place
To dwell
And take you with me
We can hold hands
In the fresh breeze
And not see the eyes of the poor
Because everyone is living
Healthy and alive
But instead I wake up to the sting of
My own tears
And this world of tragedy, greed and despair.

consistant

I am consistant in this
I'm more put together
Realizing an overwelming amount
of what importance is
what really matters

my therapy-
crying in your arms
and allowing myself
to be loved
to trust a boy
one finally that
i can trust

a boy-
who will be a dad
not just a father
my daughter will look forward
to seeing him, not dread it
he will walk her down the isle
and truly be giving her away
because he gave her so much
of himself

my sadness-
no longer self pitty
but a grieving
for innosence lost
a money driven war
suddenly a nation of terror,
of fear,
out to kill, not to heal
I'm aware
but sad
feeling small and helpless
if only this nation would
look past their own comfort

my happiness-
dreams of my hope
coming true
holding you
holding your hand
holding your heart
and knowing it will last
that we can overcome
all that tears at us
because it will not tear us apart

I am consistant in this.
I'm more put together now.


Copyright [November 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

YOUR COMFORT

distant support
needing them near
tears streaming
producing sobs
and your comfort
is making me realize
my selfishness
they may ponder
my absence
but my mother
is not here
to see me try on my dress
my friends completely distant
feeling non existant
im not mad
but i am sad
and he told me
i could cry.

Copyright [October 23, 2006] By: Tiffany Conner

older

so this is it
this is the outcome of my dream
as a child
as a dreamer
here i am
job i hate
fiance i love
friends talking but obviously not to me

i feel so drained and dead here
i want to go home
be held
sleep away all that brings me down
all that aches my head

need a break
a vacation from everything
from everyone
except him
my warmth in the cold
my love
now for life

frightened as i question if i am ready
im not all put together-
all over the place
all the time

this is being older
here i am
as i am
and there he is embracing me

Copyright [October 20,2006] By Tiffany Conner